TV FINDS NEW SHOWS LOOKING AT THEM
(c) Clyde James Aragon
NEW YORK (AP) -- Those Geico "cavemen" shouldn't be so upset after all -- they may get their own television series. ABC said Friday it had ordered a pilot for a comedy, tentatively titled "Cavemen," that features the characters used in a series of ads by the insurance company.
Now that network television has reached into the world of advertising for new TV shows by drafting the Geico insurance cavemen for a possible sitcom, it would be wise to take a look at other commercials and personae that could be propelled into stardom on the little screen:
THAT KING GUY – plotline: now that he’s been deposed from his nameless European country, the ever-smiling Burger Chef King settles into exile in America where he becomes an overnight media star. We see him practicing for his appearance on Dancing with the Stars, dating movie starlets, carousing with the hoi polloi in bowling alleys and barbecues, and taking up Nascar driving for his sponsoring hamburger company.
HERE'S RON! – plotline: inventor and late-night TV vendor, Ron Popeil, spends a season developing his latest invention. As he explains in his first show: “How many times have you opened a pop-open can and gotten soda or beer all over your hands? I know it’s happened to me an amazing number of times and that’s why I’ve set out to develop the Ronco Clean Open Opener. By the time the show is finished, I’ll have a new device on the market and I’ll be able to offer it with an optional wine bottle opener so you won’t have to worry about spilling champagne or Merlot on your carpet.”
MR. SANDMAN – plotline: the sleepy-eyed man who has trouble falling asleep only to be comforted by Abraham Lincoln, a talking beaver, and a deep-sea diver who prescribe Rozeram®, a prescription sleep medicine from Takeda Pharmaceutical Company Limited, goes through his workaday world helped by these phantoms of his imagination. He turns to them constantly for advice in handling clients, landing deals, and preparing contracts. Fortunately, we soon learn, the beaver has an MBA from Yale.
STINGER – plotline: what’s not to like when a giant yellow bee with the voice of Antonio Banderas enters the lives of the Crawford family, a middle class family in suburban Connecticut. Quick to give advice and always hawking Nasonex® the wily bee proffers advice on dating, raising children, investing, personal problems, fixing dinner, and handling door-to-door salesman. (Let’s say he’s an expert in getting rid of magazine peddlers.) He’s always in the middle of the action when it comes to his good-hearted meddling and ridiculously difficult to understand with his Spanish accent. (“You know, Soosie, you would look a lot bitter if you used less mascara than Melaknee Greefen.”)
THE SLOWSKYs – plotline: the Comcast broadband turtles get their own TV show in which Bill decides to leave corporate life and start a detective agency in Arizona. He shows off his quick wit as he tells his wife, Karolyn, of his decision - Bill: “Of course I can solve cases. It just takes a little longer.” When the two are tossed into a closet while trying to apprehend a thief, we watch this situation - Karolyn: “We’re trapped, Bill. Pull that handle and get us out of here.” Bill: “I’m trying.” Karolyn: “Pull it.” Bill: “I am. Here, you pull it, if you don’t like it. You pull it good.”
THE LONELIEST MAN IN TOWN – plotline: the Maytag repairman tries to relieve his days of unending boredom by getting into one madcap adventure after another. We see him trying to rid himself of a fellow washing machine repairman by trying to get him convicted of selling defective water hoses. He nearly gets killed while paragliding from the top of his store, only to land in the middle of a busy street which is being used as a parade route. He bets his assistant, Roy, that he can escape from a locked filing cabinet and wins the bet by breaking a hole through the cabinet, through the wall, and into the next door pet shop where he’s besieged by ravenous hamsters.
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Astrology For Aliens
(c) Clyde James Aragon
Astrology works well for the average person, but what if you aren't from planet Earth. Maybe your UFO crashed here and you got drunk and had a one-night stand in Bakersfield and you ended up with an offspring or two or three or whatever. It's a big galaxy. Things like this happen all the time.
So how will those from a planet far, far away fare under the influence of earthly astrology?
Let's take a look:
The Martian born under the sign of Aries is ruled over by Mars. So what else is new? You are creative and action-oriented. You want to take over the Earth and, by golly, you will, but your overall lust for power will mean that you will destroy many buildings in the process.
For the blobbish Arcturian born under the sign of Taurus, you want life to be slow and deliberate. While this sluggishness can cause riffs among faster moving colleagues, you're really a fun person to be around. You are easy-going and carefree and the fact that you occasionally dissolve and assimilate those closest to you should be viewed as a positive, not a negative.
The Andromedan brought here by chance or assignment is in his element if born under the sign of Gemini. Your large, watermelon-sized head and enormous, bulging eyes, merely reflect your curious nature. Your formidable intellect makes you a go for research jobs and problem solving. Also, you will get much satisfaction reflecting on life while feeding the pigeons at the park on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Rigelians born under the sign of Cancer are hard to handle. Your green skin gives away your jealous nature and you have to work hard to curb your desire to submerge Toledo, Ohio in taco sauce. Still, should you want, a bright future awaits you in the NFL.
The chameleon nature of Altairians born under the sign of Leo means that they crave to be the center of attention. While changing into the visage of the local mayor at parties or that of a wild animal at amusement parks, you play for acceptance or fear, depending on your mood. You also pick up spare change doing impersonations at comedy clubs.
For Orions born under the sign of Virgo, your invisibility makes you hard to pin down. But your perfectionist nature is aided by this condition and whenever you make a mistake, you can't be found to take the fall. Orions get along with everything but automatic door openers.
It breaks one's heart to be an Antarean born under the sign of Libra. Your lizard-like appearance frightens people off and makes it difficult for you to make friends. Your sensitive feelings are easily bruised and you often take it out on strangers walking past. You are gentle by nature but a real beast when aroused.
The intensity of Vegans shines out when born under the sign of Scorpio. Your laser beam eyes cut through problems and your ability to melt everything within a ten mile radius comes in handy whenever you need to thaw out relationships.
The enthusiastic nature of Venusians is fulfilled under the sign of Sagittarius. You are cooperative, free-willed, and love a cloudy day. You can be aloof, at times, and holding people at bay with your photon gun should be suppressed lest you pick up a bad reputation in the elite circles you long to be seen in.
For a Neptunian born under the sign of Capricorn, life is an adventure. You just can't wait to wrap your tentacles around a problem. You're a doer, a creature of action. Your resolute determination to make every minute count often rubs others the other way, though, and you need to leave work at the office just like the rest of the two eyes.
Given that The Betelgeuse thinks in the collective, Aquarius is the sign to be born under. Yours is an inquiring mind. In fact, the giant brain trust that is The Betelgeuse is like General Motors working tirelessly to produce its next sports car. The collective nature of The Betelgeuse makes it hard to pick a movie to go to and this might be better handled by your date.
The fish creatures of Alpha Centauris are in heaven when born under the sign of Pisces. Because you tend to travel in schools you truly admire education. You daydream too much and are often scolded for snoring. Unfortunately, for you, your fish-out-of-water nature means you will have difficulty fitting in and this will make you nervous and high-strung. You can compensate for this by listening to country music, taking up painting, and going for long, romantic swims.
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