TALES OF DELIGHT AND SHAME
by Clyde James Aragon
Humor? Satire? Vegetable?
There are 19 humor stories with a Southwestern/Hispanic edge in TALES OF DELIGHT AND SHAME. The stories begin on the high seas with Christopher Columbus' true thoughts on his first voyage and end in space with the confrontation between the star vessel Vagacielos and a pinata-shaped space creature. In between are Pancho Villa's experiments in weather forecasting, Billy the Kid's unexpected visitation by La Llorona on the night of his death, the strange comic book character Gila Monster Man, the chronicle of Captain Miguel Casaba inside the human body, and the heretofore unknown dealings of the true Frankenstein of the Americas.
Jokes, puns, slapstick, satire, and parody abound in TALES OF DELIGHT AND SHAME, and there's enough Good Cheer to choke a grumpy horse. And when you get right down to it, isn't that all you really want?
$9.95; 8 1/2" x 5 1/2" paperback, 176 pages; Humor - short story collection
CLIFF ZONE BOOKS ISBN: 0-9648641-0-X; LCCN: 95-92560
Here is the Table of Contents and description of stories in TALES OF DELIGHT AND SHAME (and below that, sample material from the book):
1) From The Second Log Of Christopher Columbus - excerpts from Christopher Columbus' private ship log detailing the many problems he really had getting across the sea
2) Those Imaginative Men On Horseback - how Spanish explorer Francisco Vasquez de Coronado came up with so many place names in the Southwest and how it led to a heated confrontation among his conquistadores that nearly ended his mission
3) La Llorona And The Kid - on the night of Billy the Kid's death, he is visited by the mythical Hispanic figure La Lorona who wants to take him to the land of the dead (and, no, we don't mean Santa Fe)
4) The Man Who Hated Edison - Casimiro de la Puerta's coup of receiving one of Thomas Edison's new light bulbs makes him a laughingstock when it doesn't work
5) The Entrepreneurs - brilliant Hispanic poets like Ruben Dario, Federico Garcia Lorca, and Gabriela Mistral gather near El Paso to start the kind of artistic endeavor most artists only dream of -yes- a greeting card company
6) Poor Pancho's Almanack - Pancho Villa's contribution to science and literature rivals only Benjamin Franklin's Poor Richard's Almanack with his sayings and interest in weather forecasting
7) The Clams Are Coming! The Clams Are Coming! - clams changed life along the Rio Grande with their lore and the arrival of their protector, the Ku Klux Klam
8) Relevant Dichos For The Ages - the memory of Pablo Antonio Campanas, eccentric and thinker, is kept alive in a short collection of his pithy sayings
9) Muzak In Taos - Amadeus Wolfgank Muzak works feverishly to compose his elevator music in Taos, New Mexico
10) The Carnivorous Children Of Sanchez - Oscar Lewis, the famous anthroplogist, studies a New Mexico family whose appetite suddenly changes to that other red meat
11) A Self-Assassination - a man commits suicide in a way only an office supply company would love
12) Burnt Leaves - requited and unrequited love merge to bring memories to a man raking his lawn
13) Frankenstein Of The Americas - the Frankenstein tale rears its ugly, bolted head in the Rocky Mountains
14) Fantastic Voyage To The Bottom Of The Pancreas - what if miniaturized cruise ships toured the human body? What if they ran into trouble? What if that trouble was a tapeworm?
15) Gila Monster Man To The Rescue - the Southwest has its own comic book superhero who's out to save the world
16) The Mysterious Case Of Acid Indigestion, Upset Stomach, And That Burning Sensation - Inspector Juan Jose Pescado investigates the hot murder of a salsa manufacturer
17) The Pecos Valley Werechicken - it's nothing to cluck at when a man mysteriously becomes a chicken when the moon gets all shiny and bright
18) Astronaut - Hispanic astronaut Jose Lastima goes to Mars with a crazy on-board computer and an even crazier robot sidekick
19) The Final Frontera - the space ship Vagacielos meets up with a huge object at the edge of the Milky Way - a burro-shaped space pinata
and now here is sample material from TALES OF DELIGHT AND SHAME by Clyde James Aragon:
FROM THE SECOND LOG OF CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS
When Christopher Columbus set sail in 1492 in search of India, little did he know that he was about to discover the New World and change the path of history. But he did, so we ought to accept it.
In the course of his voyage across the Atlantic, Columbus was beset by many problems and confronted by new experiences. In order to track these events, he kept a ship's log which he was going to present to Queen Isabela of Spain upon his return. He kept another for himself in which to record his private thoughts, off the record. This is an excerpt from that second log:
Friday, 3 August 1492
We set sail for India today from the port of Palos, Spain. We are three magnificent and proud ships: the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. Even though they are fine vessels, I wish the King had allowed me to name the Pinta the Rana Alegre (Happy Frog). I argued over this time and again at court with His Highness, nearly coming to blows with him. It would have reached that point if Queen Isabela, that saintly soul, not separated us.
"Chris," she later told me, "you'd better agree with him. I've seen him in this type of mood before. Believe me, he's like a bear if you don't go along."
So I acquiesced. The ox. How could he name a ship the Pinta. It makes one wonder how he came to run a world power when he has such poor poetic sensibilities. Nevertheless, whenever I say Pinta, I will secretly be thinking Rana Alegre.
* * * *
Sunday, 16 September 1492
While in the Canary Islands repairing the rudder of the Pinta which was damaged soon after we left port (and possibly on purpose), we beheld three omens all sailors take for bad. First, we witnessed a volcano erupt near Tenerife. Then we saw a great and fiery meteorite fall into the sea close to us. Lastly, and worst of all, Captain Mario Pinzon's trousers split in the back and he mooned the crew for three hours before he discovered the rupture.
But what does this all mean? Should we end the voyage? Should we return to port and start over? Should we toss Captain Pinzon's trousers into the sea?
I will have to ponder this.
* * * *
Wednesday, 19 September 1492
The men on all three ships are complaining. It is because we did not bring enough pepper for the voyage and they are now having to eat the fish we catch with radish paste. I knew this would happen. The King would only allot us one barrel per ship. It is surprising that it lasted this long. I have my personal cook at this very moment experimenting in the galley trying desperately to conceive a pepper substitute but the fried garlic-mustard sauce, which tastes as bad as it sounds, almost led to a general mutiny last night. Perhaps if we add cinnamon and flour to it, it would be palatable. I will ask him.
* * * *
Saturday, 22 September 1492
Rodrigo de Escobedo, secretary of the fleet, has been moping about all day because he did not bring enough underwear. He has only himself to blame. I told him to bring an extra set but he wouldn't listen to me.
(sample from TALES OF DELIGHT AND SHAME)
# # #
FRANKENSTEIN OF THE AMERICAS
When I, Dr. Epinicio Matamoscas, the greatest scientist the Americas has ever produced, was laughed at right after presenting my scientific paper on cell revivification, well, I took it personally.
I stormed away from that meeting of the Association of Radical Researchers and vowed to never again set foot in the Flamingo Room of the Miami Hilton. I also vowed to never submit a technical treatise to a group which had just been fed pina coladas. They could laugh if they liked but they laughed at all geniuses: Freud, Edison, Einstein, Cantinflas.
My idea of reanimating dead cells was feasible. The proof was indisputable.
I returned to my secret laboratory in the Rocky Mountains to prove my theories and reap my vindication.
I would create a man from the bodies of the dead.
Via satellite phone I began contacting parts people throughout the United States, Latin America, and the Caribbean. From my orders came what I needed: a liver from a Wyoming cowboy gored by a raging bull, a chest from a gambler strangled in the Brazilian sertao, a head from a Peruvian shepherd mauled by alpacas, the right arm of a New Orleans cat burglar electrocuted by a booby-trapped filing cabinet, a gallstone from a banker run over by an out-of-control taxi in New York, hips from a calypso singer suffocated by tight pants, legs from an alcoholic drummer stabbed after telling an off-key joke to a bassist. And so on.
I assembled them with the resins and radioactive stitchery I had developed over the years.
All I needed was a brain.
My brain dealer, Sumpdam, who worked out of Los Angeles, was trying to extort the hideous sum of 300 pounds of ostrich feathers. Why feathers, I would never know. Sometimes he wanted dollars, German marks, even tires. But 300 pounds was too much. I told him so when I phoned him but he wouldn't budge.
You could hear him blowing cigar smoke into the receiver.
"Better hurry, doctor," he oozed. "Brains don't stay pickled forever. I can hear those little gray cells dying right now. Another week and this brain will have the IQ of a boxer."
"The price is too steep," I complained. "But if you don't want to do business, I can always get a brain from Tremple in Caracas."
"Tremple?" he laughed. "That dogcatcher. Look, you wanna good brain, you gotta come to papa."
"Sumpdam, you are an obnoxious, unprincipled parallelogram!" I exploded.
"No one calls me a parallelogram with impunity, doctor," he shot back. "One more week and 300 pounds."
The phone went dead.
Two days later I caved in. I plucked until my fingers bled and finally my brain was delivered by mule to my front door. Though it looked in good shape, it seemed to have teeth marks from the mule and I should have filed a claim against the carrier, but I just didn't have the time right then.
(sample from TALES OF DELIGHT AND SHAME)
# # #
THE MYSTERIOUS CASE OF ACID INDIGESTION, UPSET STOMACH, AND THAT BURNING SENSATION
That's the way I still remember him: Inspector Juan Jose Pescado, late of the Los Angeles Police Department, dapper in his polyester/wool tweed sport coat, black fedora clinging to his head like a fly on a windshield, his thin, gray mustache chiseled forever on his lower lip, there, waiting patiently in the rain at the bus stop. He always took the bus because, as he explained in that low, conspiratorial voice of his, "Otherwise they'll steal my hubcaps."
He was my partner, gone now for the better part of a decade, run over by a street cleaner while investigating a theft of manhole covers. He lies forgotten now in a cemetery that was recently paved over for use as a grocery store parking lot. How odd that his final resting place should, in a way, be connected to one of the most famous crime cases of the century which he solved. One which involved murder, sex, intrigue, and food in, more or less, that order.
Remember the incident involving Antonio Funebre y Fuga? Does the name escape you? If so, I'll refresh your memory.
Antonio Funebre y Fuga, Antonio Funebre as he preferred to be called, was the president of Funebre Foods. Newsweek christened him the 'Salsa King' for his company's many products. The poor unfortunate was found lying in a pool of blood in his study late one night. He'd been shot, stabbed, beaten, electrocuted, choked, and had had acid poured down his throat.
When we caught the first glimpse of the murder scene, Juan Jose immediately sensed that something big had happened.
"Somebody made sure he stayed real dead," he whistled appreciatively.
That's what I liked about Juan Jose. He could always tell when foul play was afoot and when someone had accidentally strangled himself shaving. That takes a lot of the guesswork out of police business.
Funebre hadn't been called the Salsa King for nothing. In the stores today are remnants of his great condiment empire although now distributed under different brand names. You'll probably remember them under the original Spanish title he gave each: Salsa de Manzana y Aceite, Salsa de Dos o Tres Rayas, Salsa del Hombre Triste, Salsa de Sandia Hervida, Salsa de Aguacate y Limon Frito, Salsa de Paloma Negra, Salsa de Melon en Vinagre, and my personal favorite, Salsa del Policia que Garro el Ratero Feo. I could go on and on reminiscing on his product line but I'm sure that, like me, not only is your mouth watering, your stomach is probably rumbling, as well. Too bad, isn't it, that such a sterling record in the culinary industry should be blemished by the FDA's investigation into his Salsa de Ojo Abierto. How was he to know that his caffeine extract was addictive. At any rate, tears come to my eyes whenever I see a plate of nachos.
But back to our story.
Juan Jose began a top-to-bottom search of the Funebre mansion. It was a 94-room place so we spent most the next two summers there. Inching about with a magnifying glass in hand, he touched things, he smelled things, he tasted things. Juan Jose was a thorough man.
"You'll kick yourself if you miss anything," he was always telling me.
We searched.
(sample from TALES OF DELIGHT AND SHAME)
# # #
FANTASTIC VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE PANCREAS
Captain Miguel Casaba, commander of the miniaturized body cruise ship M.S. Madero, stared into his cabin's mirror as the stranger on the other side of the glass made a feeble attempt to wrap a bow tie around his neck. From the trouble he was having, it was obvious the other fellow had never been and would never be an expert at tying such a useless fashion appendage. Good thing he was alone, he thought, or he would be drowning in the sarcastic laughter of onlookers.
As it was, he was preparing to deliver a lecture at one o'clock titled "The Secretion of Insulin or Why Sugar Never Sticks Around". It was his duty to open the medical presentations to the passengers as they sailed about the inside of a living human being.
Now that they'd all been shrunk to amoeba size by the secret miniaturization process of Utah-based BioShrink International, the ship was headed for the pancreas of Miss Azucena Conmigo, a young woman and sedated patient who would be out for the next 24 hours so that all aboard could have a good look at what made her tick. From the pancreas, they would be moving on to the spleen, liver, gallbladder, and kidneys and after that it was upstairs to view the heart, lungs, stomach, esophagus, jugular vein, sinuses, and tonsils. This would be capped off with a visit to the brain and a short stay at the optic nerve to watch this month's featured film "Casablanca".
Casaba loved his current assignment. His first miniaturized trip was for the medical corps and, while he enjoyed that division of BioShrink International, body cruising was more to his liking for there were more people to talk to, lots of leisure time to explain the inner workings of the body, and plenty of champagne at the midnight Captain's ball. The latter was especially welcome for Casaba was secretly a lush and would just as soon run the ship aground on a slab of perfectly-functioning thyroid gland than give up his grog.
The status of captain conferred a coveted feeling of respect from the passengers who looked up to him as a sort of demigod --- knowledgeable, resourceful, and able to deal confidently with whatever might arise. Curiously, the crew did not share that respect and called him Captain Cantaloupe behind his back.
(sample from TALES OF DELIGHT AND SHAME)
# # #
TALES OF DELIGHT AND SHAME by Clyde James Aragon
$9.95 paperback
available from Cliff Zone Books
1808 Cherokee Road NW
Albuquerque, New Mexico 87107
