Stage Plays written by Clyde James Aragon HOTEL DE FOOLS: an 80-page two-act, the action takes place in the lobby of the Hotel de Foels, and revolves around the unseen corpse of a Mr. Thompson who is found dead in the hall. The hotel just happens to be the site of the first annual Detectives United for Humanity convention and the three members (Ascot, Payday, and Wormwhistle) try to figure out who killed the man. There are three guests in the hotel: the beautiful Marta and her younger, homely sister, Esmeralda; and the awning salesman, Wally Bing. Along with the hotel owner, Maxwell Foels, there is his bellhop, Anthony; cook, Mrs. Vargas; and janitor, Hector. The three detectives try everything from following the guests and workers to asking ridiculous questions. They even resort to a disastrously useless Rorschach test in a vain attempt at finding the killer. In the end, just about everybody is mad at them including the hotel's owner. By the way, the title of the play comes from the phone company's phone book error of Mr. Foels' name. There are 10 characters in this play - 7 men, 3 women. There is also an Hispanic version titled Hotel De Tontos.  *** $70 flat fee per performance for either version payable in advance. MACBETH, P.I., detective to the Middle Ages: a 52-page play which is a take-off on Shakespeare. ("My kingdom for a hearse!"). Its action takes place in ancient England circa 1050 A.D. and begins with the protagonist, a private eye named Macbeth who is visited by the murdered king of England asking that Macbeth find his killer. Of the possible suspects, the king names his two brothers; Queen Siegfried; and his bootlicker Mabry. Like Shakespeare's Macbeth, this play incorporates three witches who are Macbeth's stoolies. While often speaking in rhyme, they get some of the best lines of the play ("Macbeth, Macbeth, we witches stop to hail/ this time don't give us, 'The check's in the mail'.") In the spirit of satire, there is the obligatory interrogation of the castle staff, the questioning of the prime suspects, and, to add to Macbeth's woes, he has a law enforcement nemesis in the Sheriff of Nottingham (who does his own interrogation of Macbeth). There is also a song: The Troll Song in the play. There are 25 characters in it, 10 principal, but the rest are one-time appearances. Doubling could be used to reduce the number of actors needed to 18. There is also a full-length two-act 93-page version of this play with 52 characters.  *** $50 flat fee per performance payable in advance for the short version; $70 flat fee per performance payable in advance for the longer version. THE HANGMAN’S DAUGHTER: a stage adaptation based on the novelette The Monk And The Hangman’s Daughter by Ambrose Bierce, Gustav Danziger, and Richard Voss. 80 pages. 23 characters - 12 men, 7 women, 4 either. Drama. In 1680, on orders of their Superior, three Franciscan monks leave the monastery in Passau, Germany for the one in Berchtesgaden. The monks will first meet Benedicta, the Hangman's daughter, at the play opening as she is chasing vultures away from a corpse.The youngest monk, Ambrosius, will come to defend the shunned and friendless Benedicta, daughter of the hangman. But the growing internal conflicts between his vows and his burgeoning love for Benedicta will lead to tragedy. Two acts with 17scenes (9/8).  *** $70 flat fee per performance payable in advance. THE GREAT TWO-WEEK PLAY FESTIVAL – 16 pages. 14 characters but 4 actors needed (3 men, 1 woman). Comedy. An unfortunate theater director, beset by money woes, tries to save his marathon play festival by substituting shortened versions of his 12 plays. Props: table or desk, 2 chairs, vacuum cleaner, revolver, white doctor's coat.  *** $20 flat fee per performance payable in advance. THE REALLY HOT ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU – 19 pages. 6 characters - 3 men, 3 either. Comedy. On the mad island of Dr. Moreau, he is busy playing God with nature and the world of chile in this culinary take-off on H.G. Wells’ The Island of Dr. Moreau.  *** $20 flat fee per performance payable in advance. BLACKBEARD'S TUNA – 43 pages. 15 characters; 1 woman; 14 men (2 who have one spoken line); also British seamen for sea at end and a few actors for Dead Sea Captain's crew. Comedy. In 1718, Blackbeard the Pirate and crew are busy capturing shipping vessel after shipping vessel for their precious cargo of fish. Virginia’s Governor Spotswood has had enough of this situation and sends Lieutenant Maynard of the British Navy after him. More or less historically correct.  *** $50 flat fee per performance payable in advance. SHAKESPEARE'S WIFE – 26 pages. 4 characters - 3 men, 1 woman. Comedy. As Anne Shakespeare, true author of the Shakespearean plays, is mopping the floor in her kitchen. her husband enters with news that Ben Jonson and Christopher Marlowe are coming over to plot burning down the Globe Theater for the insurance money. Props: 4 wooden chairs, wooden table, mop and bucket.  *** $25 flat fee per performance payable in advance. THE ENTREPRENEURS – 29 pages. 7 characters - 5 men, 2 women. Comedy. In 1915, Ruben Dario, Jose Marti, Gabriela Mistral, Miguel de Unamuno, Alfonsina Storni, Federico Garcia Lorca, and Antonio Pelear de Vezencuando gather in El Paso to start the kind of artistic endeavor most artists only dream of - yes - a greeting card company! Some Spanish in it.  *** $35 flat fee per performance payable in advance. LA LLORONA AND THE KID – 31 pages. 20 characters - 15 men, 3 women, 1 boy, 1 girl. Comedy. On the night of Billy the Kid's death in 1881, he is visited by the Spanish legend figure La Llorona who wants to take him to the land of the dead. Billy resists the idea but she is soon joined by others, mostly historical figures like Governor Lew Wallace, Sheriff William Brady, the Englishman John H. Tunstall, and friends like Tom O'Folliard. There are a few lines of Spanish in it and the events take place in the Kid's bedroom.  *** $35 flat fee per performance payable in advance. THE TRANSLATED WORKS OF STEPHEN WATTS KEARNY AND HIS ARMY OF THE WEST – 27 pages. 9 characters - 6 men, 2 women, and 1 narrator who can be either a man or woman. Comedy. This play deals with the peaceful conquest of New Mexico in 1846 by the U.S. Army led by General Stephen Watts Kearny. Many explanations have been offered on the relatively quiet takeover of New Mexico but the play proposes another reason for this: an unusually poor and ridiculous translation job done by the fictional character Pable Suerte There are two scenes: empty stage with table and cactus; and the Las Vegas town square with a small platform to stand on. (This can also be adapted for Santa Fe where Kearny  repeated his proclamation.) This play was first performed On July 20, 2002 in Fort Worth at the Fourth Annual Hispanic Playwrights Festival held there. There is Spanish in this play along with English for the translation.  *** $35 flat fee per performance payable in advance. THIS IS YOUR LIFE, EBENEZER McDOGG! – 46 pages. 27 characters. Comedy. This is a take-off on Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol with actors dressed as cats and dogs. Ebenezer McDogg, a Scottish terrier, is visited by three Ghost Dog Spirits of Christmas (Old Yeller, White Fang, and Sassie [Lassie's stunt double] ) who are intent on saving his eternal dog soul before it is too late. During this sleepless night, Ebenezer is plagued by a Poodle Chorus who drop in from time to time to chastise or give advice, and by the Cat Brigade which is headed by a Rhyming Cat. Humans, like young Billy and his mother and father, mix with the animals.  *** $50 flat fee per performance payable in advance. THE MARK OF ZORRO THE ILLITERATE – 10 pages. 4 characters: 3 men, 1 either sex. Comedy. Zorro the Illiterate comes to the office of the Comandante, who is talking to the Sargento, to tell him that he, Zorro, will be defending the rights of the oppressed. We soon find out why he is known as Zorro the Illiterate.  *** $15 flat fee per performance payable in advance. THE SONG – 10 pages, 3 characters - 3 men. Comedy. Don and his trippy friend, Jerry, are talking about a song that Don thoroughly hates. Don has decided to rid the world of this song and its singer/composer by traveling back in time to kill him. Props: guitar, radio, chair, table, revolver, small bag of chips.  *** $15 flat fee per performance payable in advance. THE CORONER – 7 pages. 5 characters - 3 men, 2 women. Comedy. The play asks the question: What if the medical examiner for Los Angeles was a graduate of archaeology school? A dead body lies on the ground where Officers O'Malley and Jenks are looking around when Margaret Simman-Simmons, the archaeology-degreed coroner arrives. Props: small knife, shotgun.  *** $15 flat fee per performance payable in advance. THE SWEET LIFE – 8 pages. 5 characters - 3 men, 2 women. Comedy. Private eyes' rendezvous is a donut shop. A beautiful, but mysterious, woman sits down next to Deke, one of the detectives. She has a secret which she won't divulge. Soon a man enters looking for her. He wants to marry her but she can't. The secret is brought up. He leaves. She leaves. Deke wants to follow her, to learn the secret that dogs her life but, after hearing a familiar voice, he doesn't. Props: donut shop items such as a long coffee shop counter table, coffee pot, 2 white ceramic cups and saucers, donuts, maple log, delivery dolly with boxes on it.  *** $15 flat fee per performance payable in advance. THE PILL SCHOOL – 20 pages. 8 characters - 6 men, 2 women. Comedy. Four-act play about the greatest detective to practice ophthalmology at 221-B Baker Street - Dr. Sherlock Holmes! Evil Professor Moriarty is sending clues to Holmes' office when he and Dr. Watson decide to investigate. Using information provided by a Baker Street Regular, they learn that Moriarty is trying to flood the pharmacy market with fake medicine, substituting candy in its place. Holmes and Dr. Watson go off to his lair in the School for the Really Juvenile Delinquent where they confront him.  *** $20 flat fee per performance payable in advance. DEATH - AN OPEN PHONE BOOTH – 7 pages, 4 characters - 2 men, 2 women. Comedy. At bookkeeper Ted's funeral, cell-phone wearing office mourners break the solemn occassion in typical cell-phone answering rudeness by loudly answering their phones and commenting on the phone about the deceased. Props: a coffin or an ash-filled urn, cell phones. Will need to make cell phone call sounds.  *** $15 flat fee per performance payable in advance. NIGHT OF THE CHIHUAHUA – 10 pages. 3 characters - 2 men, 1 woman, and a barking chihuahua heard off stage. Comedy. Mr Smith is being kept awake by the sound of the barking Chihuahua next door. He raises so much of a fuss that a cop comes to see him and, later, takes him off for disturbing the peace. Props: bed and night stand.  *** $15 flat fee per performance payable in advance. PIRATE BITCHES OF THE CARIBBEAN – 10 pages. 4 women characters. Comedy. Captain Jill and her crew reflect on the pirate life aboard the Sea Star while waiting for a plunder opportunity to sail by.  *** $15 flat fee per performance payable in advance. A WELL-KNOWN UNKNOWN –  9 pages. 9 characters: 6 men, 3 women. Comedy. Due to a pouring rain and a funeral home foul-up, a group of mourners and a preacher who all don’t know the dead man in the coffin decide to hold services for this unknown fellow.  *** $15 flat fee per performance payable in advance. DR. PLANT COME QUICK! – 7 pages. 7 characters: 2 men, 5 women. Comedy. Houseplant hospital emergency room is beset by dying and injured plants being brought in by worried owners.  *** $15 flat fee per performance payable in advance. WHEN LIBERALS RULED THE WILD WEST – 11 pages. 8 characters - 3 men; 2 women; 3 either (Mayor, Business Person, Town Crier). Comedy. After a recent election, the mayor, in his office, speaks with a few townspeople. Time: circa 1880s American West. Props – desk, chairs, old-time western apparel.  *** $15 flat fee per performance payable in advance. SHOPPING AT BO'S – 4 pages. 4 characters - 1 man, 1 woman, 2 either (guards). Comedy. A grocery shopper is confronted by a smart-alecky self-check-out machine.  *** $15 flat fee per performance payable in advance. for more information on these plays, write:      Clyde James Aragon      2200 Marie Place NW      Albuquerque, New Mexico 87104 or e-mail him at: the letters 'czb'; the symbol for 'at'; the word 'cliffzonebooks'. the symbol for 'dot'; and, finally, the word 'com' **** All plays now available for consideration by theater personnel as e-mailable PDF attachments. Contact the author at the above. These plays and those of others are also listed through StoryFoundry.com at:  http://www.storyfoundry.com/source/index.cfm on the American Association of Community Theatre at: http://www.aact.org/webdata/playsource.html and on doollee.com at http://www.doollee.com/ And for more plays and playwrights check out Stageplays.com at:  http://stageplays.com/